Asscot Shopping (A Love Story)
by iamthereasongoddoesn'texist
Summary: Alan needs a new ascot. Guess who else wears ascots? That's right bitches, its the crossover ship to end all ships i wrote this at 2 in the morning.
1. Ascoots & Teeny Butts

Alan was shoping 4 an new ascot bc his old one was all fucked up from when they had their racist adventures in China or Mexico or smthn. The ascot store had laid out an aesthetically pleasing rainbow display of ascotss. He was lloking at a boottyful red ascot when a man stopped next 2 him to looking at the orange apricots.

The man was really, reallu hot. He had a helmet of really yellow hair. He had big muscles, so you knew he was a MASCUline. Alan was immediately in love. He turned to the pretty stranger, "Hey. How bout dem ascots, eyyy?"

The man turned to him. "Haha, zoinks yeah. My name is Freddie from Scooby-Doo. Who is u?"

"Oh, I'm Alan from Josie and the PussyCats."

"DO you have a last name?"  
"Nah lmao."

"Haha, jenkies! Hey, u seem like a cool dude. I like your hair, it's really yellow and helmet like, its real chic and not outdated at all."

"Gee thanks! My friend Josie helped me cut it, but she did this weird thing where she like stradled me to cut it? Haha what a fun friend, only one of a moderate number of colorful characters I have in my life who I platonically love."

"I know what you mean! I also am friends with a medium-sized cast of interesting caricictures! One of them is named Daphne, she is practically my bestie and sister ha ha ha ha has ha sha ha!"

Alan looked at Freed's chest, which was very big and Manly, and tried reallyS hard to Contain The Gay™, and he failed spectacularly. "Do you want 2 cum to my house and see my collection of asspricoots?"

"Heck Yea! my dude! I am always down to make new friedns through common interests, such as clotheing."

So they went back to Alan's house. Where does Alan live? Good question, dear readers. He lves in a big ole cupboard on the ground floor of Josie et al.'s Five Story Mansion (bc you kno, dat Rock Star Money). Alan really liked his cupboard. He made it his own by putting up posters of his heros, like antoni van leeuwenhoek and bobby Moynihan, and he owned a cactus bc all the cool kids on the internet told him to.

Fred walked into the cupboard. "Gee wilikers! It's so spacious in here! Kinda like my butthole"

Alan looked up from his ascot collection, which he had been staring at lovingly. "Sorry,what was dat?"

Fred chuckeled and ruffled his hair in that way that straight wihte girls think is realy hot for some reason. "Oh nothing. Hey, I think we have a really good bond"

Alan laughed. "Whatever you say." He then went to grab his favorite ascot, which was red. All his ascots were red. Veronica said she was concerned with how many red ascots Alan owned. Valerie needed to shut her damn mouth.

But when Alan grabbed his favorite red ascot, he accidentally knocked down an lamp or smth who really gives a fuck.

"Yikes!" They exclaimed simultaneously with the same voice. The lamp flickered. At that same moment, across the snow and sea in Norway, a woman named Hanna and a woman named Barbara looked up from their coffees into each others dark eyes. The inevitable has occurred. The Greyness shall arise once again, and they must run, run far away to the Forest of Repeating Trees where they may consult the Technicolored Elder. They must. God save us all.

But anyway, Fred and Alan were talking about some mysteries they solved when Alan decided to throw caution to the wind and confess his feelnigs to fredd. He lay ssuper duper seductively on his twin bed. He hummed _Careless Whisper_ relly quietly for a hot sec, but decided that was too weird, and its hard to hum and cofess love at the same time.

aLan looked fred from scoobi dooo. "Fred, i. love u so much cum here bb."

Fred gazd at alans blond hair and tiny waste. "alan I can''t. I am a Straight."

"Butt fred, bb, plz. Look mi tiny butt. Look mi pecs."

Fredd,, cupped alans non-descript face in his hands and leaned in real close and shispered, "u rite."

Den they fuckked,

THE END


	2. Spooksmen & Brunchtimes

O SHIT ITS NOT THE END CHAPTER 2 BITCHEZZZZ

Fred awoken in a cold sweat. He had a nitemare about bein chased by a spooks-man. In hte dream, the spooksman was runin real fast towards Freddie, butt fred couldn't run fast enough. The spooksdude wuz almost upon him, and stetched out his long, green claws to catch him…. And that's when fred woke up.

He must have shriekd when he woke up bc, Alan was lookin up at him from the other side of the bed, his big ole eyes full of worry. Fredddy sighed n held his head in his hands.

"Fred? R u ok? Do u wanna talk about it?" Alan asked, and sat up to look at him. In the low lite of the dawn, Fred could have sworn Alan looked really familiar…As if he had known this face his entire life. _Which is ridiculus,_ thought Freddy. _Ive only nown him for like 14 hours when we met in te ascot store._ But he couldn't help n notice how in sync they had been during those 14 hrs.

"Oh hai Alan. Nah, Its nbd" Fred tried to reassure alan that it was truly nbd, but alan looked at him like it was a bd. "Rly alex, its ok . Sometimes I get bad dreams bc hunting monsters and solvin mysteries can get 2 u is all."

"O I kno how it is" alan alda said softly. "I also spend a lotta time solvin mysteries. And that's not even in my job description! Im just supposed to b a groupie! I should OSHA or smthn"

"Yea but its not the same Albert," countered Frank. "I track down ghosts and shit. And sure usually they end up bein ppl, but those ppl also usually attempt to murder us at some point too!" Fredd start to cry and stuff, so u kno he's a sensitive boi :(

Alan wasn't sure wat 2 do. He didn't kno if it would b 2 weird to physically comfort Fred in his time of need. Then he remembered that fred's dingaling had been in his butt like 3 hrs ago, so this probably within the boundaries of their relationship lmao. He reached over n hugged fred.

Fred was met the gang for brunch. Daphne n Velma were discussin splittin a stack of blueberry pancakes. They wanted a light meal before they drove up in Velma's Subaru to go to the farmer's market and then to a Tegan and Sara concert. Shaggy was ordering a buncha food bc he likes to eat a lot, haha oh man what a goofster. Scooby was also gonna eat a lot, hahaha a talking dog can u imagine? And it _also_ likes to eat a lot?

Anywhey, Fred showed up and was gonna order a moderate amount of food, bc in any comedic situation there needs to be a straight man to foil off the absurdity {but not actually str8 amirite ;))))))}.

"-So anyway, that's when I said to Velma that she absolutely _had_ to clip her nails." said Daphne. Velma blushed and laughed. _What a gr8 friendship,_ thought Fred. Velma and Daphne always were really close. _Maybe that's just the power of a good female friendship. Like Betty and Veronica, or Xena and Gabrielle, or Marceline and Princess Bubblegum. Really great gal pals._

Shaggy started looking at fred curiuosly. "Hey fred, u look sorta different tody? Did u do smthn with ur hair."

Fred started getting nervous, thinknin that his friends could somehow magicaly tell he had spent last night with his willy in a dudes butt, when Velma exclaimed "Jenkies! I kno wats different about Fred! His ascot! Its red instead of his usual orange!"

Fred laughed nervously "Haha oh yea oops! I musta grabbed the wrong ascot this morning! Ill have to fix that later."

Daphne squinted at him all suspicious. "I thought u only owned orange ascots. How could u have picked up a red one? Who's ascot is that?"

Velma added "Good point, Daph! You're so smart and pretty an stuff. Whose ascot are you wearing fred?"

Freddy yelped, "oh wow look at the time gotta jet!" He didn't kno how his friends would react to him being gay. Especially Velma and Daphne, who he was pretty sure had a crush on him.

"Fredd we've been here for 5 minutes and I kno for a fact u have nothin to do today except organize ur rope collection" said Velma uncharacterisitically forcefully.

"Yoinks, this atmosphere is, like, totally harshin my mellow, isn't it scoobs?" asked Shaggy.

"Reah, roinks" replied Scooby-Doo.

"Look, guys its nbd", said Fred, fearing that his friends would think it was a bd. "I was stayin at a pals house last night. I just grabd my buddy's ascot and also his dick by mistake instead of mine. It was totally chill and hetero I promise"

"Well why were u stayin at someone's house? U could have stayed with anyone of us" asked Saphne.

"Yeah, and I thought u mentioned u were just goin ascoot shoppin yesterday. Whos this guy u met up with?" asked Vulva.

"And where is that waiter?" asked Shappy.

Fred sighed. He shoulda known better thn 2 try to hide something from his friends who are literally professional detectives, but he was kinda a dumbass. He ran an hand thru his fluorescent yellow hair.

"I met him yesterday at the ascot store and I spent the nite at his place," he confessed.

"ah kk" said Daphne and Velma simultaneously. The lights in the café flickered. At that same moment, across the snow and sea in Norway, a woman named Hanna and a woman named Barbara looked from their small pack of rations into each other's dark eyes. A second occurrence? So soon? They were halfway through the Forest of Repeating Trees; not that they could have known that, for there were no landmarks to tell them how far they had gone. They had to hurry to consult the Technicolored Elder. They must. God save us all.

Anyway, Freddy, suddenly emboldened stood up from his seat. "THAT'S RIGHT GANG. IM A GAY. IM A MASSIVE GAYIST!"

And da sun shone thru the windows right on him, and he looked supa cool and shit. Then the waiter showed up and asked freddy to stop making such a loud scene, which honestly was pretty fair but still kinda ruined the moment. Thn everyone ordered ther food and had a nice brunch the end.


	3. Coachella & Gaydar

_I;m gonna mcfuckn do this_ , thot alan. _Im gonna come out to the group and theyl b kewl and itll be totez fine._

 _Im gonna thrw up,_ thot alan. _There all secretly homofobes and their gonna out me to the entire world and nvr speek to me again._

 _Im gonna mcfuckn do this,_ thot Alen.

"Hai guys!" shouted Alan, walking towards the band n alex n alexandra (hitherto refered to as dre bc fuck that cliché-ass twin names noise)

"Heeeeeyyyyyyyyy Alaaannnnn" replied beats by dre, lookin all flirtily at dat boi.

"Sup", said everyone else, like normal humans.

They was stood in front of a thrift store. Since Josie + the pussycats were gonna play at the Coachella mainstage next week, they needed some fresh digs to look fly in and were digging thru every thrift store in Riverdale and Coolsville to find it.

"Hey everyone! How are u gays?" asked alna

"Uhhhhhhhh,,,, ex-squeeze me?" asked Melody.

"Aaaaw dunk, I misspoke sozz! How are u guys." corected alan.

Valerie clapped her hands "That's enough chitchat! I need to find the perfect boho-meets-afropunk-meets-90s-grunge-chic outfit for Coachella and I've only got 5 days to find it and I reFUSE to be wasting my time on this smalltalk."

Alexander blinked, "That's like… a lil harsh, dude."

"I'm coming for Vanessa Hudgen's throne and I've got no time for this white bullshit."

"Fair"

They entered the shop, Melodi and Valerie bolting towards the sundresses while alex and dre tried to find matchin power suits. Josie and alan meandered by the accessories.

"hey ummmmmmmmmm,,,,,,, Josie?" said alan, thumbing a camouflage and US flag bandana he was holding, tryna think if there was a way to argue that it should be half price since it's half invisible.

"Hm?" Josie's eyes were glued to the bouquet of flower crowns on the wall.

"I need to tell you sumthin a lil uhhhhhh private?"

"In that case, this public store is an excellent place to spill ur guts"

"I'm srs"

"Sozz" (she made the le troll face lol memez)

"anyway…. I just wanted to tell u that I uhhh met some1 laast nite"

"Oooooo…. Is she cute?"

"He is. He's also got great taste in ascots"

Josie beamed "Great! You'll have some other nerd to rant about the difference between ascots and cravats with. And _this_ nerd, you can make out with."

The lights in the store flickered. At that same moment, across the snow and sea in Norway, a woman named Hanna and a woman named Barbara looked from their tiny dying fire into each other's dark eyes. Could it be? Already? They had reached the edge of the Forest of Repeating Trees; beyond this point were the Warner Desert Bluffs. But perhaps they could rest, take the longer, safer route through the Flintstone Mines, or the Moors of Yogi. Maybe, if the Pawns were growing, adapting to the flow of Time and the change of Space. Maybe they had a chance.

"So you don't mind that im uhhh an homosexual?" asked Arnold. "Cuz if u do, I totez get it and I can find anothrt sound guy and honestly I just don't want to be in a weird situation or make things weird and honestly if it a prob id rather u told me bc-"

"Alan. Dude. Chill. Its chillax. We're implied to be from California (?) and we're pretty cool about that stuff here. It's not like ur the child of African immigrants livin in the middle of Missouri or smth."

"Haha u rite. Imagine bein gay in that situation."

"Anyway, I think no one else will really care if ur gay or not, but I'll let u come out to them on ur own time since its ur identit n all."

"Aww thx josie! That's supa mature and and respectful of u!"

"Course! What kinda assh0le would I be if I didn't let u do this at ur own pace? Anyway, gay or straight or bi or pan or whatevs, ull always have a place in the band, and im glad to have u as a friend. Just don't be into fuckn vore or any freaky hentai shit I will publicly shame u"

"Damn (2017, Kendrick Lamar). Girl, I gotta give u a hug rn." Then they hugged and it was really sweet and no this isn't me projecting onto fictional characters? What are u mcfukn talkin aboot?

"Hey, do u think we could haggle this down to half price since u cant physically see camo?" askd Josie, and that was the moment they became BFFLs.

"How was ur haul?" Josie asked the group after they regrouped with there purchases.

"FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!" grinned alex, clutching his garment bag. Dre was less enthused but not completely irritable, so it must have been a good buy.

Veronica eforrtlessly lifted up 7 bursting shopping bags in one hand. "Not bad, I'll need to pick up a few outifts"

"Really?! That seems like a lot" replied Josie.

"Biiiiiiiitchhhh im tryna dethrone vanessa? Step the fuck off my clit? Come for my areola one more time?" Val grinned and flipped off Josie, who returned the gesture (AN: )

"Hey guys! Quick announcement!" shouted Alaan. "I kno yall were wondering wat I've benn up to since I didn't go to karaoke night last night."

"We didn't invite you!" shouted back Melody, lifting the hand carrying the fewest bags to her mouth.

"Yea, youure not allowed in the karaoke bar since u got sloshed and punched the face out of a cardboard cutout of elvis for, I quote, 'havin the dumbest ass hair and bein too much of a pussy to wear an ascot and bring it to the zeitgeist it deserves' endqoute", said Dre, not letting her crush get in the way of her chance to make fun of someone.

"I stand by that. Regardless, I didn't join u guys last night and you might be wondering how my night went anyway."

"Not really." Replyied Alex.

"You guys, I'm pretty sure he's tryna say smth important." Shouted val.

"Thanks, mocha babe."

"Alan, we've talked about this and if u refer to me as food one more time, I'll beat ur milquetoast ass so hard, the swelling might actually make your butt look like it exists," Valerie quipped dryly.

"Ya know what, that's actually super fair and that's on me, my bad. Anyway, what im tryna say is that I met someone yesterday."

"Is he cute?" asked Melody.

"He's dreamy – wait, how did u kno?" Alan whipped around towards Josie accusingly, but she shrugged and shook her head.

"Oh, I've got great gaydar! I guessed Val was bi within 10 minutes of meeting her!"

"I'm not bi..."

"Pan?"

"Yea lolz" Melody squealed, clapped her hands, and jumped up and down.

"WAIT A MINUTE!" cried Dre. "So, your'e gai?"

"Yep", replied Alan.

"and so like, 0.0000% attracted to women?"

"Yep"

"Huh. Aight." Dre shrugged and pulled out tinder, bc a girl's gotta move on and get laid ya kno?

"What's the lucky fellow's name?" asked Alex.

"Oh, lemme tell you all about him! So, his name's Fred…"


	4. Bike Rides & Emotional Authenticity

* _brrrrrrrringgg! Brrrrrrrinngggg!*_

"Yello?" asked Fred, holdin an antique rotry fone 2 his ear.

"Hey, umm Fred? Its' me. Alna"

"Oh- Oh! Alan! Hey, like, how goes it?" replied Fred, mentally facepalming bc no one else calls his home phone on principle (apparently replacing all his house phones with old rotaries is _pretentious_ and _everyone uses cell phones nowadays_ according to Daph)

"Pretty good, pretty good" replied Alan in his non-accent. "Hey, I was thinking, do you wanna go out sometime? On a date?"

"Oh! Jeepers! I'd love to!" Fred ejaculated but in the non-sexual whey.

"I thought 'Jeepers' was Daphne's thing"

"All these catchphrases are hard to keep up with, honestly. But uhhhh anyway, about that date?"

"Oh! Yeah! I was thinkin smthn long the lines of a weenie roast? Or a taffy pull? We could go bowling?"

"Lets go with bowling" answered Fred. "Feels less dated"

"Alright! Then we'll have a super trendy and 21st century date to the bowling alley!" teased Alan. "Pick u up 7 tonight?"

"I expect to be picked up in a horse-drawn carriage"

"I would dream of nothing less"

Alan pulled up to Fred's driveway (innuendo?) at 6:58 post meridiem on the dot.

"This doesn't look like a carriage" shouted Fred, steppin tru his front door.

"Horses were tired; had to go with the Benz instead" Alan shouted back.

'Love it. What model year is it?"

"Its uhhhh it's a 1969? Although the paint job is only about a week old; thought cherry red would be a good move" Alan grinned up at Fred.

"It matches your ascot, I'm a fan." Fred grinned back

"Should I ride in the front or the back?" asked Fred.

"Very telling question" and then Alan waggled his eyebrow ho boy what an innuedendo I think idk how sex works im a virgin, "I'd suggest the seating in the back, very luxurious"

Fred hopped onto the pegs on the back wheel of Alan's bike and they sped off into the night. As they turned a corner in a cool way that spewed up a dust cloud, Fred leaned in forward until his mouth was right next to Alan's ear. "ay lil mama lemme whisper in ya ear."

"What was that?" Alan shouted back.

"I said, I like your bike and ur dick"

"Oh thanks! I actually got it from my friend Alex, although I think he stole it from an Indian? Or wait, were they Arabs? Idk the cartoon wasn't super clear-" and that's when allan rammed str8 into a telephone pole.

It really wasn't that big of a deal.

Alan had been peddling pretty slowly, because he tended to skip leg day at the gym. Alan had given Fred his helmet because "I don't want you becoming a vegetable just because I can't afford a car on my sound tech salary," but Alan's hair served pretty well as a helmet regardless. Fred was knocked off the back but landed on his feet bc physics means nothing in this universe?

The bike got fuckd up tho lmao.

"Zoinks! Like, are you koay"asked Fred.

"Ha yeah," replied Alan, dusting himself off. "And I know _for sure_ that isn't your catchphrase. O shit! The bike!" Alfred leaned dwn and cradled the beat up bike in his arms.

"I could fix that for you" said Fred.

"You can?"

"Sure! I've built hundreds of traps in my time. You think I can't repair a bike? My house is only a block and a half back, lets head back."

They strolled back to Fred's house, and into the smol garage. Fred immediately got to work, pullin out (heh) a buncha wrenches, and screwdrivers, and a plier? Sure.

"Sorry I ruined date night with my distracted drving" Alan said, propped up on a countertop.

"What? No, dude don't worry. I mcfuckn love repairing stuff. I'm still having fun," Fred smilled up reassuringly at Alan.

"I'm glad. I don't think I could forgive myself if I _completely_ ruined our date. It's only partially ruined."

"I'd give it a B- so far, altho extra credit is available," Freddi winked up at Alan. Turning back to the bike, he asked "So Alan, tell me about urself. You said you were a sound tech?" (AN: I honestly have no clue what Alan's job was actually supposed to be)

"Yep! I work for the Josie and the Pussycats, and I guess their sorta my bffs? Like, I spend basically all day working for them and then I just sorta stay and hang around? Their manager also hangs out sometimes, and also his twin sister which now that I'm thinking about it is sorta weird? But yeah we go on tour and stuff and hang around the Riverdale/Coolsville area otherwise."

"Aw dunk. That's wicked cool!"

"What do you do?" Alfred asked.

"Well, I'm a monster/ghost hunter and I guess also a detective? And yeah, all my friends are my co-workers: Preppy, Nerdy, Stoner and Dog"

Alan frowned. "Kinda weird how we just hang around the same 4 people all the time, isn't it?"

"Well, in my case it's 4 people and Dog."

"Oh no dude, same. It's jsut like, I wonder if it's healthy to constantly be around the same people all the time, doing basically the same things constantly. I feel like massive stretches of time have gone by but forgot about me Like, I don't think I've aged? I have birthdays, but I don't think I've actually aged in awhile."

Fred exhaled slowly. "Heavy stuff, babe. But I get it. I mean, I wear the same outfit everyday but I never consciously choose to? I just… I wear this stupid white and blue shirt –"

"To be fair, you look v cute in it."

"Thank you. But I don't _choose_ to wear it, ya know? I just sorta wake up and then it's on me. And I don't know how we get assigned all these mysteries or even who trust some teens – or are we 20 somethings? – to solve their problems. I feel like life passes by and I run through the same motions with the same cast of characters and a slightly changing backdrop and I don't know to what end." Frank leaned against the coutner next to Alan

"Like a hamster on a wheel."

"Exactly!"

Alan smiled softly down at Fred. "For what its worth, you've been a very welcome addition to my hamster wheel life." And then he leaned down and kissed Fred on the top of his head.

"Kind of a heavy convo for a second date, isn't it?" chuckled Fred.

"Very," agreed Alan, wrapping his arms around Fred. "I think we should add some levity by making out a whole bunch, with 5 minute bathroom breaks."

"Gr8 plan." Fred turned around and looked at alan. "Ya kno, you're not what I thought you were when I first met you."

"I aim to please."

"Seriously! I thought you were more, well, dull? And-"

"What the fuck!?" shriekd alan with mock outrage. "I'll have you know I'm a blossoming flower of charm and wit."

"You are!" agreed Fred. "I'm very glad I was wrong. I like how goofy you are."

Alan blushed at the compliment, like a handsome tomato. "Ya know, ur a good guy, frank Jones."

"Haha thx – wait did you call me frank?"

AND SOMEWHERE ACROSS THE SNOW AND SEA IN NORWAY, A WOMAN NAMED BARBARA CLUTCHED A WOMAN NAMED HANNA TO HER CHEST AND WEPT. THE SUN WOULD RISE ANOTHER DAY, BUT HANNA WOULD NOT SEE ITS RAYS. THE TECHNICOLORED ONE HAD FLED, AND THE LORDES OF CEL WERE SHRIVLING. BUT THE END IS NOT NEIGH. ONE DAY WE WILL RISE LIKE SUNFLOWERS, TALL AND TOWARDS THE SUN. MAY THE SEEDLINGS OF TODAY FIND PRUCHASE IN THE SOILS OF SOMEDAY. MAY THEY CHANGE. MAY WE ALL CHANGE. BARBRA WEPT AND HANNA SAID BARB DON'T WORRY WE SHALL ALL BE HEALED ONE DAY AND SHE DIED AND BARBARA WEPT. ALL WILL BE WELL.

"Ah shit, slip of the tongue. Sozz."

"Ah no worries. Wanna go upstairs and make out?"

"Hellz yea"

And Fred and Alan walked up stairs, Fred introduced him very quickly to Shaggy and Scooby in the living room, and they retired to Fred's room for half an hour of csual makin out.

Den they fuckked,

Note From the Author:

Lol this was supposed to be a joke about how Fred and Alan look exactly the same and hey, didn't those old scooby doo and Josie and the pussycat cartoons have kinda weird parts to them? But now four chapters later it's the beautiful story of two men finding love and comfort in each other while dealing with the absurdity of the world around them and tbh im not sure if im writing this ironically anymore. I had a fun time, hope all y'all did too. Peace ✌


End file.
